Shifting Identities

It took completing two full marathons before I felt comfortable calling myself a runner. Which, is completely ridiculous since I think that anyone who runs can claim that title for themselves if they want to.

Once I embraced it though, the title of runner, I embraced it whole heartedly. And not only did I identify as a runner, but a marathon runner, and this identification was more important to my internal narrative than just calling myself a runner.

I'm registered for the Montreal marathon on September 22. That's just 8 weeks from now. And I've had to be honest with myself this week and admit that I haven't been training for it.  I started to, at the beginning of June, and it was fine. But then, I started traveling to Haiti more frequently, which I love, but which is more often than not a place where I can't run. I didn't take into account how disruptive working in the service industry is to a schedule - especially a training schedule. I just can't work until 2 am and then get up 4 or 5 hours later to run for a couple of hours before the day gets too hot.  Marathon training takes a toll on every aspect of your life for a couple of months, and I haven't been giving it that space.

I've still been running, but not training, and haven't done anything longer than 12 miles in the past 2 months.  On Thursday, the first day I was able to have time for a run since getting back from a week in Haiti, I took off determined to really step up my game, throw myself into it for the next 2 months, and be ready for Montreal. I made it 3 minutes before I had to stop and walk. Exhaustion from the trip finally caught up with me, and it wasn't just an "I'm bored" mental block, I was too physically tired to run that day. So I walked. I walked on Friday too. This morning actually, was the first run I've had in 2 weeks. And it was good, but it was only 3 miles. Not the 15 it should have been.

Running is wonderful because it's an incredibly personal exercise. Training for a marathon even more so, because you discover parts of yourself and your mind that aren't part of your day to day but that only come up when you are pushing yourself into the boundaries of your physical capabilities. It's fascinating and rare and a little addictive, which I think is one of the reasons us distance runners stick with it.

Usually having a bad run, or being this far off from my training schedule would have me feeling extremely guilty. Because that's the other thing about running. It's personal, so messing it up and doing it poorly makes you feel bad as a person. But, when I'm honest with myself, I'm not training poorly because I'm lazy or a bad person. I'm training poorly because training for a marathon isn't a top priority in my life right now.

My schedule and focus has shifted a lot since I last trained for and ran 26.2 miles, and that level of running is just not as important to me as other things going on right now. Because really, we make time for what matters most to us, no matter how hectic or crazy or unpredictable our day to day life becomes.

And that's the scariest part of all of this. Admitting that this marathon is not as high a priority for me as it used to be. Because it means that the former title of "marathon runner" that played such an important role in my self-identity, has changed. And it means that my internal narrative needs to change with it. Which, is a good thing because people are complex and constantly evolving and if my priorities were exactly the same as they were 2 years ago then that would be boring.

I'm still going to Montreal. We'll see how these next 2 months go, and if I am ready, I'll run to finish. If not, then I'll run a half-marathon in a beautiful city, with some good people, and eat poutine, and that will be fun too. Because running is still important, even if running that kind of distance has become less so.

New Year, New Place, New Goals

I moved this past weekend, which was possibly the least painful move I've ever done. Still, there's nothing like navigating icy steps, arms full of a bow and arrow, wine glasses, and a hula hoop to make you take stock of your life.

Anyways, I'm still getting settled, but feel good about this new apartment - with more closet space than I know what to do with (that's a lie, I finally have room for all my clothes), good lighting, and a big front porch with a swing.

It's nice starting off the new year, with a new place to live.  And even though I did goal setting back at the end of December, I've clarified a bit more what I want out of this year, and thus will spend the next 11 months focusing on the following:

1. Working really hard. I love to work. I have for years. It makes me feel productive, it gives me a structure to my schedule, it allows me to be my best self. I also now, have the fortune of having a job I love, one that scares me so much I feel nauseous sometimes, so I know I'm doing something right. I also know if there's one thing I learned in the past year, it's that it's always less scary on the other side. Also, this job I love so dearly is helping to start a business in a developing country... so, there's lots to do. I am not worried about work-life balance (which I think is a myth anyways) right now. Right now, I want to work my butt off.

2. Running in cool places. After completing 3 marathons in the city of brotherly love, I have decided to expand my racing horizons. I am not a very fast runner, so a race is a great way to see a city. It's also a great reason to go somewhere I've never been yet. That being said, I've registered for the Montreal Marathon in September, and am trying to talk all the runners I know into coming with me. So far, I've got 1 other commitment, but it's early yet.  Chris and I are also looking at a wine country half marathon in May, and I'll be on the lookout for some fun races throughout the summer.

3. Making new friends and meaningful connections. Ok, this one is kind of always a focus, because really, what else matters more than human connection? But for the past couple of weeks, I have been saying yes to last minute brunches, clothing swaps, 6 am yoga classes, late night best-friend real-talks, gallery crawls, and hanging out for a beer after work with new friends. And it's so much better than staying home watching Netflix. Spending time alone is good. Giving yourself time for reflection, and relaxation is important. Spending time in situations where you're meeting new people, and making those new connections is really important too.

4. Looking cute while doing it. One of the few things I have control over in my life right now is my physical appearance. And, now that I have all this closet space, I should have no trouble seeing all of my clothes. I really like clothing, and fashion, and have every intention of reflecting that on a daily basis. You don't have to wait for some special occasion to look awesome. Look great on a Wednesday.

So there you have it. 2012 was all about ripping my life apart and 2013 is all about settling back into it. Work, running, relationships, fashion. This is what's important.

382.2

382.2 miles. That's how many miles I've run since August 6 when I began training for my Third marathon, which I ran on Sunday.

4:32:10 was how long it took me to run the 26.2 miles throughout Philadelphia.  4:30:00 was the goal I set for myself back in August when I started training.

It was a lofty goal, and I liked having a new challenge added to a race I had done twice, but honestly, I didn't think I would even come close to making it.

But sometimes, you just have a good run. And that's what happened on Sunday. More intensive training, a good understanding of how to hydrate and feed myself in a marathon, and a lot of hill work (training in Pittsburgh makes "hills" in Philadelphia seem quaint) certainly contributed to 4:32:10. But it was also just a great run.

I didn't stop or walk at all until after mile marker 16 - that's the longest I've ever run without walking before. Every time I checked my watch as I hit another mile marker, I remember thinking "I can't believe I'm still on pace! I can't believe I'm still running!"

In Manayunk, as we approached mile 20, I began bracing myself for the wall. The point in which your glycogen stores are totally depleted, and you begin cramping, your legs start seizing, and you generally feel exhausted.

Have you ever experienced your eyelashes and fingernails and teeth being tired? That's the level of fatigue you feel in the last leg of a marathon. Not to mention the parts of you actually involved in the run.

Instead, at mile 20, I experienced one of the most intense runner's high of my life.  Rather than feeling tired, I felt terrific. I ran back up the "hill" out of Manayunk towards Kelly drive for the final stretch with enough dopamine flooding my system to get me to mile 22 smiling.

When my legs did finally start cramping up at mile 24, I had less than a 5k left, and it's way easier to talk yourself through 2 miles of pain than 6 miles.  I started to slow down a bit, and crossed the finish line with not much left to give. And that's the goal in a race - to finish having used everything you've got.

I finished just 2 minutes over my goal time. Half an hour faster than I finished one year ago.

It's scary when you push yourself to the edge of yourself. Not just in running, in anything you do that is totally out of your comfort zone and away from anything familiar. But it is incredible and surprising what you are capable of when you do.

A Good Reminder

Going for a run, is always better than not going for a run.

You would think after nearly a decade I would know this.  The problem is that knowing sometimes isn't enough. Knowing I should run is not as powerful as wanting to go straight home to eat cheese and then take a nap.

What I think is important at this stage in training, is recognizing when my knowing might not be enough, and so to reach out for help and external motivation.

Running can be a solitary sport, and I love it for the time alone it gives me, and the space to process my own thoughts. At the same time, I'm real grateful to be able to text a friend asking for motivation, and be encouraged to do what I know I should do.

Also, cheese tastes better after a run.

I am trying so hard to like vegetables.

I've started training for the Philadelphia Marathon. Yay!  And it's still fun, since I'm only in the first few weeks, except for one thing that became glaringly apparent, which, is that like most American's my diet sucks.  And you can't train with a lousy diet. Your body won't have it.

I'm not hopeless. I stay away from fast food and pop soda, and have even started to cut my meat eating down to a couple of times a week.  But, I still love me some icecream, and wine, and oh my god cheese! And these things do not a marathon diet make.

I've written before about my hatred of salad.  And it's time for me to just be honest with myself and admit the fact that I don't like raw vegetables.  So, I need to do the adult thing, and start finding ways to sneak raw veggies into my diet.

I decided to start this initiative this week with green smoothies.  I mean, it's easy. You throw some fruit and some veggies in a blender with some ice and orange juice, and a minute of blending later, you have breakfast! Also, you knock out 4-5 servings of fruits/veggies in one meal first thing in the morning! And you can drink it while you get ready... Multi-tasking!!

Yesterday I had strawberries, banana, spinach, and pea shoots.  Today it was strawberries, bananas, and kale.  I read a lot of things on the internet that told you the fruit covers the taste of the greens, and you wouldn't notice them, but they are liars.  You can totally taste it.  And, no, I don't think it tastes good.   So far, my strategy has been holding the smoothie in one hand, and a mug of black coffee in the other, to immediately chase the smoothie and get rid of the taste of healthy.

The kicker though, is that I feel great.

Like, full of energy, practically skipping to work in the morning great.

Sigh.

Raw vegetables are so good for us.  And you know what? 10 mins of discomfort in the morning, is totally worth feeling good for hours.  And hopefully this will eventually translate into running farther, faster, better, stronger.

I'm trying really hard here. That's gotta count for something, right?

The bet.

I do not have a good track record with bets.  In fact, I can't outright think of a time I've ever actually won a bet, which I suspect may have something to do with my disbelief in the theory of probability.  The point is however, that this doesn't stop me from participating when the offer of a bet comes up.  Oh god, that's the definition of insanity isn't it?

I have a lot of friends that are runners.  This is great.  It means I am consistently encouraged to get out of bed, leave the couch, stop working for an hour to meet someone to go for a run.  You also form a special bond with your running buddies.  It's nice.

After the Pittsburgh marathon, of which several of us ran the full, half, or a relay, we caught the racing bug, and began scheduling races through out the summer.  It was determined that the group would run the Race for Roch in Mount Washington in July.

It was all fun and games and witty email chains until Regina threw out the question "Wait, should we make this a bit of a...race?"

To which I, who can never turn down a dose of competition responded with "Oh, I don't know should a group of ambitious relatively type A people make a race a race? Heck yes, we should make this a race! We should make this a race with a cash prize!"

We've decided that rather than cash, the winner gets to assign karaoke songs to the losers while the losers buy the winner their drinks of choice.

This has inevitably lead to emails full of tough talk and threats to pick songs exclusively from Cats, make everyone sing the same Jimmy Buffet song, orders of expensive aged scotch, and the hill work we are all doing in preparation for July 30.

I don't know what I was thinking.  I am not a fast runner.  Especially not in Pittsburgh July heat, uphill, in the morning.  However, I'm hoping that my gut-wrenching fear of karaoke will cause an endorphin induced miracle that allows me to win.

We'll see.  In the meantime, I've got hill repeats to sprint.

Running, Endorphins, and Ultra-marathons

11:00:02 AM Kelsey Halling: so, I finished born to run.

11:00:15 AM Kelsey Halling: wanna do a 50 mile race when we're 27 and at our peak?

11:00:21 AM Running Buddy: duh


I don't know that we actually will.  Talk to me in 3 years.


Between reading Born to Run, running the Pittsburgh half marathon, and running a 5k with my girls from Girls on the Run, running has dominated this month.


Luckily, the wet coldness that was April and the better part of May has suddenly broken out into 80 degrees and sunshine. So with no spring, Pittsburgh has catapulted into summer. And that means running weather.  It's light out early, it stays light out late, you don't have to wear 20 layers, and you don't spend the first hour with your lungs burning waiting for your body to get numb so that you stop feeling the cold.  No, instead, you throw on a t shirt and shorts and run out of the house, and have a great time and wonder why you ever stopped doing this so much.


My favorite part of Born to Run, wasn't the crazy stories of ultra-runners (though they were inspiring), or the evolutionary evidence that homo-sapiens were in fact born to run (though that was fascinating), it was the recounting of the sheer joy of running.  Of what it feels like to reach that point of mind-body-spirit connectedness that is all consuming.  The realization that not only is running fun, it makes us better people.


Around mile 2 of last weekend's 5k, we hit another hard uphill, and the girls I was running with were starting to slow down.


 "If you keep working this hard," I said, "then you'll get endorphins, and that will feel great."


"What are endorphins?" they asked.


"Well, when your body works really hard, it releases these chemicals, called endorphins, which make you feel good as a reward for working so hard."


They nodded before one of them leaned into the hill and took off yelling "Come on, body!"


It was awesome.  We finished the race in 40 minutes.  I was so proud of them.

Run Baby Run

I was 19 when I ran my first 5k.  Basically an adult.

One of the things I remember noticing were how many kids there were running that race.  Up until then running races had seemed completely beyond my capability.  After that first 5k however, I was hooked, and continued increasing the length and frequency of the races I'd enter until I ran the Philly marathon last fall.

I could go on and on and on about how much I love running, but that's not what this post is about.  This post, is about a program called Girls on the Run.  Girls on the run is an international running program for girls in 3rd-5th grade.  For three months the girls meet twice a week to run, and the program culminates with a 5k race.  In addition to running we discuss issues like self-esteem, peer pressure, and healthy living habits.

I've wanted to get involved with this program for a while, and this spring, was finally able to work it into my schedule, so I am an assistant coach.  It is so. much. fun.

For one thing, now that I don't babysit anymore, I am hardly ever around children.  My friends aren't having kids yet, I don't teach, and it's dawned on me that it's very strange how I am completely detached from an entire segment of the population.

Secondly, I had forgotten how little 8-10 year olds are.  They are adorable.  And still at that age where they're goofy, and nice to one another, and it breaks my heart to think that in a couple of years they'll turn into mean girls.  (I think they'll come out on the other side of puberty just fine though.)

Third, getting to share my love of running with these girls is awesome, and it's also so cool that they're getting introduced to running in a 5k already.  I wouldn't have changed the fact that I was singing 6 hours a week at 10, but I would have certainly preferred Girls on the Run to intramural soccer, and it would have been cool to begin my love affair with running earlier in life.

Spending time with these girls helps to put things in perspective as well.  Last week we discussed emotions.  At one point during the conversation one of girls was talking and said "...I mean, because most people are really happy and content, so..."  She continued talking, but I don't think any of us coaches heard the rest of her point.  We were totally fixated on the statement "most people are really happy and content."  She said it so surely, like it was an obvious statement.

How awesome, for that to be your view of the world, and how awful that it isn't more true.  We are so good at making our own problems, when really we should be the happy content people these kids think we are.

Gym Rat

I have a new happy place you guys.  And it's the last place I ever thought I would like.  I am loving.... the gym.

Here's the thing, I am not a gym person.  Haven't been in one since college when it was free. I don't do Zumba, I don't use fancy exercise machines, I don't own cute matching work out clothes, and I certainly don't wear makeup while I exercise (unless I'm working out after work and the makeup is just left on from that morning.)

I scoffed at the people who sat in traffic to go sit on stationary bikes, and run in place like hamsters on a wheel.  I would lace up my running shoes, or walk down the street to the yoga studio, and relish in the fact that I was burning 30% more calories by exercising outside, and would feel superior.

And as a runner, I hate loathe utterly despise the treadmill.  I don't know what it is about that machine, but it makes even 3 miles excruciating.  And I can't do much more than that, even if you can watch tv.

BUT.  This winter decided to serve up the coldest December Pittsburgh has ever had since I've been here.  (And if this is December I shudder when I think about January, and start to weep at the thought of February.)

Anyways, all of this is to say that it has been too cold to run.  I can and will go out as long as it's at least 30 degrees.  That just requires some bundling up.  Runny Buddy and I went a couple weekends ago and it was 25, which was cold but manageable.  Lower than 25 though, and well, I just cannot.

So when the forecast on Sunday looked like this:

and it has been a week and a half since I had last run, and was starting to feel the craziness that inevitably happens when I don't run, I gave in, stopped fighting mother nature, and joined a gym.

When it comes down to running on a treadmill vs. not running at all?  The treadmill wins.

It's great.  I can wear shorts and go running.  I can go to yoga there for less money then I was paying previously, I can take a bus right from work.  I can go late, or early, and the lack of sunlight doesn't matter.  Also???? There's a sauna!  A SAUNA YOU GUYS!  It's 15 degrees outside and I can go hang out in a sauna any time I want!

As part of my membership I got a free work out with a trainer.  I went in all smug thinking I just ran a marathon, I'm in good shape.  Bring it on Trainer!

Ugh.  Not that good of shape.

Trainer: "Do you do any strength training?"
Me: "I do yoga, and I have free weights at home."
Trainer: "Do you use them?"
Me: sigh. "no."
Trainer: "ok, we're just going to do some strength work that will focus on your hip flexors/core/and upper body since those are traditionally really weak in runners."

Half an hour later I was sweaty, hurting, and exhausted.  3 days later, I'm still sore.

So, strength training. Fine.  I'll do it.

Anyways, I've already been 3 times this week, and I'm going back tonight.  Yay gym!

26.2

On Sunday I had the amazing opportunity of checking off an item on my Life list.  I completed the Philadelphia marathon.

It was hard.  It was incredible.  It was totally and completely surreal.

I woke up energized and excited, which was awesome considering that for the 2 weeks prior, I was a nervous wreck.  The weather was perfect.  I had carbo loaded the night before.  I had loaded up my iphone with Girl Talk's latest album.  I was as ready as I was going to be.

We took off, and the first 8 miles flew by.  Around the museum, up through the city, down south street, by the zoo, we hit a hard hill around mile 9, but umm, I'm from Pittsburgh.

At mile 12 I started getting nervous again.  In one mile the half marathoners would be splitting off to finish.  The rest of us would be going on to complete the next 13.1 miles of the course.  I entertained the idea of just stopping at the half.  13.1 miles is still an accomplishment I reasoned.  I was starting to feel tired.  This was only half way.

But, as we came up on the museum for a second time, there were more people cheering, I grabbed some gummy bears from a bystander, and as I turned the corner towards mile 14, I saw my parents jumping up and down and waving. Sheryl Crow came on my ipod, and I continued down to the Schuylkill river.

Mile 15 I was feeling fatigued.  Or I was getting bored.  It's hard to tell at that point.  One of the best pieces of running advice I've ever got, and one that I frequently give, is to ask yourself if you can run one more step.  If you can, you're not tired, you're bored.  Keep going.  I grabbed some Gu, gave myself some short walking breaks, and kept going.

Around mile 17 it hit me.  "Oh my god!  I'm actually going to finish this!  I am really going to do this."  Mile 17 and 18 were fun.  It's entirely possible that I was just really high on endorphins at this point, but hey, that's one of the benefits of running.

The first cramp happened around mile 19, as we came up to Manayunk.  It wasn't the dull pain I had gotten used to on my long runs.  It was sharp and searing just above my knee in my thigh.  ow!  And then my calfs started clenching causing me to trip a bit.  ok, time to walk.

The final 6 miles were spent alternating walking and running, and are kind of a blur.  Finally we hit mile 25, the crowds picked up again, I saw my Mom and Dad again right before the finish line, and then, it was over.  The line was crossed, someone was slipping a medal around my neck, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh, cry, or fall over.

Since we're coming up on Thanksgiving, I'll do the thankful stuff now.  I'm so thankful that I could do this.  That my body stayed healthy, and strong, and I didn't get injured or sick.  I'm thankful for my amazing friends and family for their support, and encouragement, and for putting up with my incessant talking about running over the past few months.  I'm thankful for the other runners I've met and instantly bonded with, who gave me advice and told me I'd be ok.  I'm thankful that I work in an office where there is a shower so that I could run over my lunch break, and that I work for an organization which is flexible enough to let me go for a run over my lunch break.  I'm thankful for all of the people who cheered, and helped organize the race, and who volunteered.  Thanks.

Hi, I'm Kelsey. And I'm a Runner.

So, the thing that's hard about training for a marathon isn't the long runs. Those are tough, but it's easy to carve out a couple of hours in your weekend, and buy some gatorade, and run for 10+ miles.

The hard thing is all those little 3-5 mile runs you need to do during the week in preparation for the long runs. It's hard working those into an already packed work-week schedule. I hate running in the morning, and somedays that is the only time to do it. It's tough constantly thinking about what you're eating and drinking and putting into your body and how that may affect your run the next day. It's tough having something infiltrate every part of your life.

And yet, I think that's part of what makes running great, and training even better. For years, I never dared to identify myself as a runner. Running was something I did because it made me less crazy, and I like to eat. It was something I did, but not something I was. Now however, I have my calendar scheduled with runs until the race at the end of November. I think about running, and read about running, and talk about running. It's become such a major part of my life, I can confidently say I am a runner.

Runners are completely nuts, but it's also an awesome and supportive community to be a part of. It's addicting, and draining, and really fun.

This morning while I was finishing up a quick jog, I stopped at a red light. There was a traffic guard who held up her hand and waved me on and yelled "keep going angel!" Not such a bad way to start your day. And have I mentioned how much I love my new neighborhood?!?

13.1

Running Buddy and I completed Pittsburgh's half marathon today. It was a lot of fun. I realize that waking up at the crack of dawn to go run for two and a half hours in the pouring rain, is probably considered crazy more than fun, but still, it was fun.

Now, I'm happily showered and lying on the couch and looking forward to napping, which is what you are supposed to do after a marathon according to UPMC, and I am very adept at napping, so will happily oblige.

The race was super well organized, the volunteers were all amazing, I loved that there were bands set up around the course since I was ipodless. So many people were out cheering and high-fiving, and yelling motivational things despite the fact that is was pouring. 'burghers are the best.

Best motivational poster I saw: "Run like you're a college co-ed, and Ben is behind you."

Best running garb I saw: There was a dude dressed like a shark.

Best gatorade flavor: Lemon-lime.

I finished in about 2.5 hours, which is totally what I was expecting, so that's awesome. Philly, we will see you in November for the whole 26.2 miles!

On-Again

Dear Running,

I know that things haven't exactly been great between us lately. I could blame the weather, my hectic schedule, the fact that the honey moon period hasn't quite worn off for me and hot-yoga. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's not you, it's me.

Today though, today is what is was like months ago, when things were great, and we'd spend hours together, and I wouldn't get sick of it.

Let's get back together. I know that our relationship hasn't exactly been perfect. There has been more than one occasion where I've walked away for months at a time. The thing is though, I always come back. I may have flirted with kickboxing, or swimming, or even pilates, but they were just flings. They mean nothing to me now.

Nothing else makes me feel the way you do. You always take me back. I'll be better this time around. This time, everything will be different.

love,

me