Shifting Identities

It took completing two full marathons before I felt comfortable calling myself a runner. Which, is completely ridiculous since I think that anyone who runs can claim that title for themselves if they want to.

Once I embraced it though, the title of runner, I embraced it whole heartedly. And not only did I identify as a runner, but a marathon runner, and this identification was more important to my internal narrative than just calling myself a runner.

I'm registered for the Montreal marathon on September 22. That's just 8 weeks from now. And I've had to be honest with myself this week and admit that I haven't been training for it.  I started to, at the beginning of June, and it was fine. But then, I started traveling to Haiti more frequently, which I love, but which is more often than not a place where I can't run. I didn't take into account how disruptive working in the service industry is to a schedule - especially a training schedule. I just can't work until 2 am and then get up 4 or 5 hours later to run for a couple of hours before the day gets too hot.  Marathon training takes a toll on every aspect of your life for a couple of months, and I haven't been giving it that space.

I've still been running, but not training, and haven't done anything longer than 12 miles in the past 2 months.  On Thursday, the first day I was able to have time for a run since getting back from a week in Haiti, I took off determined to really step up my game, throw myself into it for the next 2 months, and be ready for Montreal. I made it 3 minutes before I had to stop and walk. Exhaustion from the trip finally caught up with me, and it wasn't just an "I'm bored" mental block, I was too physically tired to run that day. So I walked. I walked on Friday too. This morning actually, was the first run I've had in 2 weeks. And it was good, but it was only 3 miles. Not the 15 it should have been.

Running is wonderful because it's an incredibly personal exercise. Training for a marathon even more so, because you discover parts of yourself and your mind that aren't part of your day to day but that only come up when you are pushing yourself into the boundaries of your physical capabilities. It's fascinating and rare and a little addictive, which I think is one of the reasons us distance runners stick with it.

Usually having a bad run, or being this far off from my training schedule would have me feeling extremely guilty. Because that's the other thing about running. It's personal, so messing it up and doing it poorly makes you feel bad as a person. But, when I'm honest with myself, I'm not training poorly because I'm lazy or a bad person. I'm training poorly because training for a marathon isn't a top priority in my life right now.

My schedule and focus has shifted a lot since I last trained for and ran 26.2 miles, and that level of running is just not as important to me as other things going on right now. Because really, we make time for what matters most to us, no matter how hectic or crazy or unpredictable our day to day life becomes.

And that's the scariest part of all of this. Admitting that this marathon is not as high a priority for me as it used to be. Because it means that the former title of "marathon runner" that played such an important role in my self-identity, has changed. And it means that my internal narrative needs to change with it. Which, is a good thing because people are complex and constantly evolving and if my priorities were exactly the same as they were 2 years ago then that would be boring.

I'm still going to Montreal. We'll see how these next 2 months go, and if I am ready, I'll run to finish. If not, then I'll run a half-marathon in a beautiful city, with some good people, and eat poutine, and that will be fun too. Because running is still important, even if running that kind of distance has become less so.

Skinny Jeans

Today at work, I stood up to refill my water bottle when Ian said, "Kels! You're wearing jeans!"

Which, I was.

"Yes..." I said.

"You just don't usually wear jeans," he stated.

Which is true. While it may have been months since I've had occasion to wear a suit, and while I could wear yoga pants to the office everyday if I wanted to, joining the start up world hasn't squashed my natural tendency to dress business casual.  I mean, if high school couldn't, probably nothing will.

"You know what's special about these jeans though?" I asked my fellow Threadheads.

They shrugged.

"I bought these jeans when I was 19, after backpacking across Europe for a month, during which I got skinny.  I am now able to wear them once a year, when I am about 3 weeks out from a marathon, as I am right now."

They all congratulated me on my skinny jeans status.

I know you're not supposed to keep the jeans that don't quite fit lying around making you feel bad about yourself, but let me just say that fitting into them makes the toenails lost during marathon training totally worth it.

I am trying so hard to like vegetables.

I've started training for the Philadelphia Marathon. Yay!  And it's still fun, since I'm only in the first few weeks, except for one thing that became glaringly apparent, which, is that like most American's my diet sucks.  And you can't train with a lousy diet. Your body won't have it.

I'm not hopeless. I stay away from fast food and pop soda, and have even started to cut my meat eating down to a couple of times a week.  But, I still love me some icecream, and wine, and oh my god cheese! And these things do not a marathon diet make.

I've written before about my hatred of salad.  And it's time for me to just be honest with myself and admit the fact that I don't like raw vegetables.  So, I need to do the adult thing, and start finding ways to sneak raw veggies into my diet.

I decided to start this initiative this week with green smoothies.  I mean, it's easy. You throw some fruit and some veggies in a blender with some ice and orange juice, and a minute of blending later, you have breakfast! Also, you knock out 4-5 servings of fruits/veggies in one meal first thing in the morning! And you can drink it while you get ready... Multi-tasking!!

Yesterday I had strawberries, banana, spinach, and pea shoots.  Today it was strawberries, bananas, and kale.  I read a lot of things on the internet that told you the fruit covers the taste of the greens, and you wouldn't notice them, but they are liars.  You can totally taste it.  And, no, I don't think it tastes good.   So far, my strategy has been holding the smoothie in one hand, and a mug of black coffee in the other, to immediately chase the smoothie and get rid of the taste of healthy.

The kicker though, is that I feel great.

Like, full of energy, practically skipping to work in the morning great.

Sigh.

Raw vegetables are so good for us.  And you know what? 10 mins of discomfort in the morning, is totally worth feeling good for hours.  And hopefully this will eventually translate into running farther, faster, better, stronger.

I'm trying really hard here. That's gotta count for something, right?

Spewing Proverbs

So the thing about training for a marathon, is that the only way you'll ever be able to run 26.2 miles without serious negative consequences, is by running 26.2 miles, or at least close to that.  Running is one of those frustrating things that are incredibly simple yet really hard.  Want to run faster?  You run faster.  Simple, but difficult.

What all of this means is that all of my weekends from now until November 21 will include a 13+ mile run.  Because I am out of town this weekend, I had planned to go for my long run yesterday after work.  15 miles.

I was ready, I have new running shoes, I bought gatorade and a snickers bar, I told people about it, I thought about and psyched myself up for it.  I did essentially, everything I always do to prepare for a long run, because when you start hitting this kind of distance running becomes just as much of a mental challenge as a physical one.

Last weekend I did 14, which while certainly not being easy, was difficult in a good way, and overall enjoyable.  Running and I have been pretty in love lately, and I was excited for the utter exhaustion, flood of endorphins, and accomplishing one more mile.  I was ready.

What they don't tell you about marathon training, are the bad runs.  You prepare for blisters, dehydration, chaffing, heat-exhaustion, bruises, pulled muscles, and a gazillion other potential problems.  But nothing, none of that compares to having a bad run.

I did 5 miles.

That's it.

5 lousy miles.

5 miles in which I never hit my stride, it never got easier, I never fell into a comfortable rhythm making me feel I could go forever.

It was so hard, and it should have been so easy.

In my experience with running so far, nothing is more devastating than  bad run.  Especially, when it was supposed to be a long run.  It's kind of like getting dumped.  You're surprised and angry, and feel hurt and betrayed, and wonder if you're too fat.

This however, is exactly why I am not training alone.  After the miserable 5 mile disaster, I texted Running Buddy.

"I just had a really lousy, really defeating 5 miles.  I'm supposed to run in a half-marathon next weekend. I need encouragement!" I wrote.

"Remember the Alamo" he responded.

I stared at my phone.

"If this was going to be easy, there wouldn't be a point." he wrote.

"True." I replied.

"When in Rome," he said.

"Ok, now you're just spewing proverbs at me aren't you?" I asked.

"yeeeaaaaa." he said.

"c'est la vie" I shot back.

So tomorrow, I'll get back on the proverbial horse, or in the saddle, or however that saying goes, lace up my sneakers, and try again.

Hi, I'm Kelsey. And I'm a Runner.

So, the thing that's hard about training for a marathon isn't the long runs. Those are tough, but it's easy to carve out a couple of hours in your weekend, and buy some gatorade, and run for 10+ miles.

The hard thing is all those little 3-5 mile runs you need to do during the week in preparation for the long runs. It's hard working those into an already packed work-week schedule. I hate running in the morning, and somedays that is the only time to do it. It's tough constantly thinking about what you're eating and drinking and putting into your body and how that may affect your run the next day. It's tough having something infiltrate every part of your life.

And yet, I think that's part of what makes running great, and training even better. For years, I never dared to identify myself as a runner. Running was something I did because it made me less crazy, and I like to eat. It was something I did, but not something I was. Now however, I have my calendar scheduled with runs until the race at the end of November. I think about running, and read about running, and talk about running. It's become such a major part of my life, I can confidently say I am a runner.

Runners are completely nuts, but it's also an awesome and supportive community to be a part of. It's addicting, and draining, and really fun.

This morning while I was finishing up a quick jog, I stopped at a red light. There was a traffic guard who held up her hand and waved me on and yelled "keep going angel!" Not such a bad way to start your day. And have I mentioned how much I love my new neighborhood?!?