A Personal Life

"So when are you at your other job? During the day?" asked a co-worker of mine at the restaurant.

"During the day, sometimes at night, sometimes on the weekends," I replied. Which is true. No one starts a business to cut back on the hours they work each week.  Luckily, at Thread we have incredible flexibility as to when we work, so I feel like it all balances out.

"Do you have a personal life?" he asked.

You mean, do I have time to date anyone? I thought in my head, but didn't say out loud, instead offering an off-handed comment about personal lives being over-rated.

And maybe that's not what he was implying by "personal life," maybe he was just curious if I did anything other than work, but either way, this idea around a "personal life" and it being something removed and separated from what I do on a daily basis irks me.

I work a lot because I love it. And this job, this work, has allowed me expand and change my perspective of the world. It's made me aware of issues and problems I didn't know existed. It's expanded my social circles and introduced me to interesting new people. It's made me complete tasks, and solve problems, and develop skills I didn't think I was capable of having or doing.  It's made me afraid and vulnerable and has drawn me closer to people than I thought was possible. It's allowed me to make connections around the world, to seek out new knowledge, and to ask for help almost constantly. It's made me grow, as a professional for sure, but also as a person. I am a better person for having taken this job. If that's not personal than what is?

I think that starting a venture has to be one of the most personal things you can do in life.

So while entrepreneurs might be the only people in the world who willingly quit a 40 hour week to take on an 80+ hour work week, I don't think it's at all at the expense of having a "personal life."

Sometimes, we even find time to date.

Advice on Dating

So I might be in dating hibernation mode right now, but that doesn't mean I can't offer unsolicited dating advice to the internet.

The following was actually a response to a friend after she emailed me to tell me she was going on a date and was super excited and nervous.  Then another friend who read my response told me I should make it a blog post - and here we are!

Because dating is fun, but sometimes it can be hard, and really it's something that I think we should all do more of.

- Relax and have fun and don't put pressure on it just cause it's a date.

- Any time you need new conversation filler -  just ask questions - people love to talk about themselves.

- Wear something you feel comfortable in, nothing is more distracting than sitting on a date concentrating on the fact that your shoes hurt, something is too tight, or fidgeting with an ill fitting piece of clothing

- Don't check your cell phone unless you have to.

- Laugh at his jokes. (but only if they're funny)

- Utilize the forearm touch

- Offer to pay, but if he declines, offer to pay for the tip

- If you're having a good time - keep the date going, suggest after dinner drinks, or coffee, or something

- If you had fun, and want to see him again, say so.

- If, at the end of the night you want to kiss, don't be too shy to initiate it.  Or just tell him to initiate it. (Guys can be real wimps about that.)

Dating Hibernation

I have this pattern I've repeated for the past couple of years that I've recently started referring to as"dating hibernation".  It's basically exactly what it sounds like.  I don't really date/have much  interest in dating during months of December - March.

Maybe it's the cold.  Maybe it's the 5 lbs. you put on in the winter.  Maybe it's the fact that holidays (Dec.), followed by my organization's annual fundraiser (Jan.), followed by Love of Friends (Feb.), doesn't leave me with much free time this season.  Maybe it's just become a habit.

I feel like I've been asked a lot lately if I'm dating anyone, to which I say "no", and when asked "why not?" I don't have any good answer to give other than "I don't feel like it."  I don't think people would necessarily understand what I mean were I to start responding, "Of course I'm not dating anyone, it's February!"

Now of course, I'll change my mind about this the moment I to meet someone who is wow-ing.  But, I'm picky, and am so far enjoying my hibernation.

I have a lot of friends who are in really amazing relationships that are moving forward to exciting next levels; marriage, moving in together, making the relationship official on facebook.  They are totally inspiring to me, and I would be a liar if I were to say I didn't want that for myself.

It's a choice, being single.  And one that I'm quite happy with lately. And just to be clear, not dating does not mean there's no flirting.  That's a skill that needs to be practiced year-round.

Come April, I'll shed my tights, and winter parka, and the 5 lbs, and start dating again.  Until then, I'm going to enjoy cooking dinner for myself, working on some really exciting projects, and going dancing with my friends.

Dating, Narcissism, and other stuff happening on the internets

First of all.  Did everyone watch last week's 30 Rock?  Did you catch that great line by Avery Jessup when she told Jack she didn't need a mentor?

"I'm fine!  I sleep 4 hours a night, eat 1,200 calories a day, and my closet has been on the cover of organized living twice!"

I have a lot of work to do...


Today, one of my best friends, who I will refer to as Fair Lisa (b/c that was her nickname in High School) sent me the following the text message.

Don't take this the wrong way but last night I went on a date with the male version of you and didn't like him!  The whole time I was thinking... I would like him better if he was just Kelsey.


This was so intriguing to me!  My male counterpart... was he good looking? Was he funny?  I kind of want to meet him.

No you're better looking she wrote back But his mannerisms and speech patterns were spot on.  It was so wack.


Then I started wondering, what would it be like for me to go on a date with this guy?  I guess it would essentially be dating myself.  But would I like myself?  Would I discover I do things I think are charming that are actually totally obnoxious?  Would we have non-stop witty banter and intelligent debate?  Or would we sit in aloof silence asking polite small-talk-type questions.

Finally, I decided my wanting to go on a date with someone who was described as "the male version of you" is just about the most narcissistic thing I've thought lately, and got back to work.

Speaking of dating.  It can be hard right?  I think there was a Seinfeld episode where he was whining about first dates because when you go out and you're at a restaurant, everyone else there knows you're on a date!  And then you get past the first couple dates, and it's not so awkward but it doesn't necessarily get easier.  There's the meeting of each other's friends, and the re-working of your weekend plans to fit another person into the schedule, and figuring out how you greet one another (do you kiss hello?) and if you're the type of couple who holds hands or links arms or doesn't touch when they walk down the street.  Then eventually there's compromise and sacrifice, and discussion of life goals and core values, and where are we spending holidays?...ok, no, I've never made it that far, but that's what I've heard happens.

So relationships are complicated, yea?  And they're totally worth it, but sometimes you need a second opinion...or six.  Love of Friends (my passion project remember?) has started a new project in which we're allowing you, or the general public, to write, type, or tweet your relationship queries to us, and we will answer them for you on our website www.loveoffriends.com

What are our qualifications for this you ask?  Well, officially none.  Other than the six of us having been on a lot of dates, and involved in a lot of relationships of varying levels.  You might get some conflicting advice, since between all of us there's bound to be some differing viewpoints, but our hearts are in the right place.  Also, 50% of the team is in a relationship and 50% is single, and so you're getting a nice balanced view of your question.  At the very least, we'll give better advice than Cosmo.  (Cosmo, if you're at all interested in hiring us to write an advice column we can totally talk).

So send us your questions about love, dating, friendship (relationship advice is not limited to romantic relationships) or just send us the story of the worst date you've ever been on, or the best, or the strangest, and we can compare.

The strangest date I've ever had?  The Artist and I once went on a date with the same guy... at the same time.  It's a long(ish) story, which I won't get into here, but would be happy to share in more detail next time you see me at a party.

Speaking of the Artist.  She's blogging!  And it's awesome of course.  Check it out, subscribe, comment, add it to your Google Reader, be totally jealous of the fact that I have a bunch of her original pieces in my house.

Love story

According to the internets, which, you know, is always right, Taylor Swift is dating Jake Gyllenhaal, which is probably the most depressing piece of celebrity news I've heard.  Ever.

Jake Gyllenhaal has been my go to celebrity crush, (gosh, even his last name comes up on my spellcheck.  Swoon.) since I first saw Donnie Darko.  Omg do you guys remember him in that black hoody?!!? I digress...

Anyway, not only is he gorgeous.  But he loves the Steelers, he has an awesome sister who would probably be an amazing sister-in-law, and did I mention how good looking he is?

And Taylor Swift is beautiful.  She's got that long neck thing going on, and her arms look great, which is probably why she plays the guitar in sleeveless dresses all the time.

But seriously Jake, Taylor Swift?  She's so... annoying.

Now, granted I am not a Taylor Swift fan, so I don't know all of her music, but from what I have heard, she sings about getting married.

It's not just songs about falling in love.  They all end with her getting proposed to, "I talked to your Dad, go pick out a white dress," or feature her in music videos going through the stages of dating, marriage, and kids, without ever aging of course.

Now, maybe this is her schtick.  And Elvis Costello once wisely said, "there are only 5 things in the world to write songs about..." but guess what wasn't one of the 5 things?  Yea, weddings.

So here's my question Taylor.  What about the loves that don't end in marriage?  Where are your songs about that boy you thought you were in love with who you lost touch with after you left for college, and when you ran into him a couple years later, you were so glad he was no longer a part of your life?  Or what about the boy you thought you were in love with, who once you finally accepted that he wasn't "the one" and was never going to love you back the way you wanted him to, you hurt so bad you were actually convinced that you were broken forever and would never be happy again?  Or what about the boy you fell so fast and hard for, only to realize that you were just a fling before he moved away?

And what about the boys who weren't right at all?  Who kissed you, and you felt nothing.  Who you said goodnight to and were really saying "goodbye forever, no seriously don't call me again" to?  What about all the bad dates, and the messy break-ups, and the awkward run-ins, and guys who hit on you only to later admit that they had girlfriends?

What about the relationships that were fleeting.  Not even long-term let alone forever, but that taught you so much?

And what about the men you meet that make you think, even after all that, maybe this could be something, or maybe it will be nothing, but I'm willing to try and find out.

What about all of those love stories?