Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sometimes, I wish I was more like Dana Scully, and not just because I could totally pull off a pants suit.

I wish I could say I didn't believe in fate. I believe we make our own destiny. That our choices and actions define us. I believe in hard work and self-fulfilling prophecies. But, sometimes I think we are given opportunities and chance encounters that are just too coincidental to be considered such. I wish I could be like Dana Scully, trusting science and skeptical of all else. (Although, even Scully couldn't deny the paranormal at times.) As much as I'd rather not, I believe that sometimes, some things happen for a reason.

Being a Type A personality, "going with the flow" is something I have always struggled with. I have many memories of my mother saying that phrase to me, often through clenched teeth. And thank God she did, or else who knows how I may have ended up.

The thing I often have to remind myself is that usually, the very best outcomes and opportunities arise just when I finally stop fighting and go with the flow. Sometimes, the Universe knows best. Moving to Pittsburgh, working in non profit, my best friends, meeting any guy who has been substantial in my life, my favorite travel stories, they all occurred without my planning them. The opportunity was suddenly there, and I went with it.

And as much as I like to plan. As much as I really do try to squeeze a lot out of each day. As driven and motivated and focused as I can be, sometimes, the best thing is just to be. To kiss more, and tweet less. To enjoy where I am right now.

I feel like I rushed through a lot of my life. As a kid I couldn't wait to be a teenager. As a teenager, I couldn't wait to stop feeling so angsty, move out of my parents house, and finally become an adult. Once in college I couldn't wait to be in the "real world." Now in the real world, I will say that while I am having more fun than I ever have before (umm, there's freedom AND disposable income!) I have also never been more aware of how totally and completely clueless I am, and part of me can't wait until I get to the point in life where there's some stability and wisdom and understanding of what it is I really want.

The thing about feeling angsty in your twenties is that you know why you're angsty. When you're seventeen and crazy full of hormones, you simply drive fast, while blaring Never Mind, blaming the suburbs, and your parents, and the fact that you have no legal rights. Once your somehow considered a grown-up, who do you have but yourself to blame for your angst?

Still, sometimes I wish I could, as many of us do I'm sure, visit my seventeen year old self and let her know how ok everything is going to be. How she's going to be happy, and fine, and no you're not fat, and just enjoy high school rather than counting down each day until college. Everything will be fine.

While I will admit that a part of me can't wait for my 30's. I mostly don't want my 30 year old self to look back and think "You are so ok at 23! Enjoy the uncertainty of every aspect of your life right now! There will never be another time when you are so unsure of everything, and therefor able to try anything! Everything will be great, you'll see."

So, I'm trusting the Universe and going with the flow. (Well, as long as the flow fits in with my plans.)


  1. At 23, I'm going through the exact same thing right now. Thanks for the inspiring words. It's so hard to allow your life to veer into uncertainty when all you want to do is succeed and accomplish all of your life goals right away. Glad I'm not alone in feeling this way.

  2. @Brittany - Thanks so much! Maybe the best part of the quarter life crisis is whining about it with others going through it.

    @SmokeyMaverick - I'm not entirely sure how this point system works, but I am pretty sure that I win. ;)