My Music Taste...

Is eclectic like everybody's.

However, if I'm honest, I love music that is emotional. Sometimes a little angry, sometimes a little sad, and definitely wordy. Good lyrics will get me every time.

Anyways, sometimes I forget that not everyone likes to feel angst y as a result of listening to music. Precisely and I have very different tastes in music and he would tease me regularly.

Last winter I was getting ready for a date, and Precisely wandered by my room.

"oh my god," he said, "what are you listening to?"

"What?" I said, paused mid-eyeliner application. I don't remember what was playing, but apparently primping to whatever it was, was not appropriate in Chris's opinion.

"Kelsey! Don't listen to that!"

"What? Why not?!"

"You're getting ready for a date! You need something to put you in a good mood, not something depressing."

"But I am in a good mood!"

"Someone is taking you out! You should be listening to something energetic, that makes you happy, and feel sexy. Not the black-hole that is your music collection."

He came in and put on something he deemed a more appropriate soundtrack.

This week, half of the Thread team has been in Haiti. Meaning I've had the office largely to myself, as Lee likes to work from coffee shops in the morning.

It's still September, and it's been a rainy dreary week, and I've been knee deep in writing, and so have been listening to a lot of sad music.  The way I see it, sad music is kind of like a double negative, and by listening and wallowing in it, I actually feel strangely comforted and happy. If I want to wallow in the artificial sadness Mazzy Star and Firghtened Rabbit provide, I will. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Anyways, On Tuesday, Lee called me out for playing depressing music. And then today, he came in in the afternoon, while I was knee deep in newsletter editing accompanied by...you guessed it - sad music!

"Turn off the sad music, "Lee joked as he walked in.

"But, I'm having such a lovely time," I argued.

"mehhhhhhhhhhhh," was Lee's response.

I looked at my itunes, and stifled a laugh. "But, this song is called 'Not Miserable'!"

"Did you do that on purpose?" Lee asked.

"No!" I laughed, "I can't make this stuff up."

All my other sad or angry or angst y music junkies out there, you know what I'm talking about. 

Part of a Well-Balanced Life

First of all, I'll begin with saying that I am fine.

Better than fine even, good, maybe great.

I'm emphasizing this because my Mom called me last week to make sure I was fine, as Moms are want to do, and even though I was fine, I was also in the midst of September sadness, and I'm sure she intuited that because she has a way of knowing everything, even from 400 miles away, which is a trait I hope I inherit when I become a parent, so that I can freak my kids out as much as she does me. (Anyway Mom, if you read this know that I'm good - love you!)

So, let's talk for a minute about September sadness. I'm not sure what it is - whether it's the change in daylight hours, the drop in temperature, the change in schedules that came with going back to school, but I get sad in September.  This has been happening since high school. It's only in the past couple of years that I've really been able to recognize the pattern (better late than never).  It doesn't last too long, just a couple of weeks in the middle of the month, and it's not in any way debilitating, just makes me more apt to think my way into downward-hate-spirals, and cry more often for no good reason.  I also know that I am not alone in this, and have been reading about other people coping with September, and its comforting to know that there is company in your craziness.

It's already lifting, and now that the equinox has happened I am ready to embrace fall with all the pumpkin spiced lattes and beer and baked goods and boots and capes and glorious long runs, and extra blankets on my bed. October is here next week.

I was having coffee with a friend last week, and mentioned this, and we started talking about feelings, and downward-hate-spirals, and the crazy thought processes that takes you from a well-adjusted logical person, to one who is convinced you've messed up your entire life in under 60 seconds.

"The thing I dislike about sadness," I said, "Is that I can't channel it into anything productive."

She smiled and said, "Unless you consider a well-balanced life, and allowing yourself time to process and be reflective productive.  Those aren't bad things. Careful, your high D is showing."

(If you are familiar with the DiSC personality profile, then you know that she was right. I am, it was.)

And so she made an excellent point.  And maybe it's time that I stop viewing September as the month when I get sad, and embrace it for the month that I get introspective and reflective, and process.  Because having that time is part of a well-balanced life.

A Good Reminder

Going for a run, is always better than not going for a run.

You would think after nearly a decade I would know this.  The problem is that knowing sometimes isn't enough. Knowing I should run is not as powerful as wanting to go straight home to eat cheese and then take a nap.

What I think is important at this stage in training, is recognizing when my knowing might not be enough, and so to reach out for help and external motivation.

Running can be a solitary sport, and I love it for the time alone it gives me, and the space to process my own thoughts. At the same time, I'm real grateful to be able to text a friend asking for motivation, and be encouraged to do what I know I should do.

Also, cheese tastes better after a run.

I need to sleep, why won't I let me?

I love sleeping, for a lot of reasons, not least of which because dreaming is highly entertaining and usually something that I enjoy.

This past week though, my subconscious has been super overactive, and I've been having vivid, intense, recurring dreams about stressful things like murderers and weddings and have been waking up in a panic sometime in the morning while its still dark out, where I then lay in bed in a stage of semi-consciousness until my alarm goes off and I have to get up for, you know, the day.

It's Thursday now, and I am exhausted.

I don't know what's behind the dreaming. I've been running about the same, which is to say, A LOT, which usually causes me to sleep like a big rock.  I try not to use my computer right before I go to sleep. I haven't been eating anything weird.

I have been reading a murder-mystery novel. This could explain the murderer dream. Hopefully I will finish it tonight, and it will provide my brain some kind of closure, and I can go back to sleeping through the night.

I mentioned this to my coworkers today, and Jenna immediately responds with, "Yea,  I know the feeling. That's what having a small child who won't sleep through the night feels like."

Except, I don't have a small child! In fact, I am in the single/childless stage of my life that should be met with as much sleep as I selfishly want while I can still get it.

Here's hoping for a less active REM cycle tonight.

Inspiring Words

“The true joy of life is being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one . . . being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown to the scrap heap . . . being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish clod of ailments and grievances.” — George Bernard Shaw