Reflecting on 2012

It's the time of year when us overachievers take a moment to look at our life, look at our choices, and write about it on the internet. I am no exception, and have spent a wonderful holiday week hanging out with my family, relaxing, reflecting, and strategic planning the crap out of 2013. The world did not end this year, but there were times in these last 12 months, that I felt like I was acting like it was.

I did some big, scary things this year.

And to be honest, not all of it has turned out ok.

I'm broke. I got my heart broken. I have no idea what my life might look like in the next 2 months, let alone year, and this scares me.

However, I don't think I've ever lived more authentically, and now that I'm getting a clearer picture of how to do that, and what that means to me, there's no turning back.

If there's one thing I can take away from this year, it's that things are so much less scary on the other side.

And while some of the downsides to my decisions have certainly sucked, suckiness is temporary, and there is also so much good that has come out of it.  I would do every moment of 2012 again, without hesitation.

I am so grateful to be doing what I'm doing. To wake up in the morning excited, and to be challenged and learning on a daily basis. I am blown away by the people that have come into my life this past year, and am amazed by the connections that have been strengthened with people I've known. I love the city I call home, and am thankful for my body and the physical shape I am in.

2012 was scary, and hard, but omg so much fun. And now that I'm safely on the other side of some of those big risky decisions, I am excited to go into 2013. To spend less attention and energy on worry and fear, and more focus on who and what I love.

I'll be ringing in the new year in two nights with some of my favorite people and lots of Prosecco. Then, it's time to get to work. There's a lot to do and look forward to on the other side.

When the Scary Stuff Happens.

There's a lot to be scared of while starting a business.

So far, in my involvement with Thread, the excitement, the passion, the learning, and the fun has all out weighed the scary.  And then a scary thing happened.

The thing where I am leaving my day job, a bit earlier than I had originally anticipated, and am taking the leap into Thread. A leap into a time period of an unreliable paycheck, part-time work, and having to be very aware of how I spend my money, and how much I have left.  Which, hey, from what I understand is part of the whole start-up thing at some point.

Luckily, I'm in decent shape.  I supported myself as a student, and I can do it again. And the encouragement of my family and friends and colleagues as I made this decision has been nothing short of wonderful.

What really surprised me is that unemployment has loomed as big scary threat since I joined the ranks of the working world. What if the recession catches up with me, what if the non profit I work for doesn't get funding, what if I lose my job?

And then when the actuality of not being salaried stared me in the face, I took a deep breath (ok, first I panicked a little and then took a deep breath), and, made a plan. I emailed contacts, set up interviews and part-time options, looked at all of my accounts, and realized it was going to work out.

Because I'm not losing, I'm gaining. I'm gaining the opportunity to focus on what I want to do with my life right now, rather than having to shove it to the back burner until after work hours. I'm gaining the joy of waking up to go to an office I can't wait to get to, where I spend my day surrounded by smart, brave, funny people.  I'm gaining the chance to really make this work. And if it means living like I did as a student for a little while, than so be it.

I'm grateful that I have something in my life I feel this passionately about, that I'm willing to take a risk for.

So sometimes, the thing you thought would be so scary happens, and you realize that its not actually that scary at all. And then, there's no limit to what you can do.