The Fear That it Might End

I read a blurb of a book review on two novels about love written by a French philosopher and a scientist, in the back of an old copy of The Economist of all places.  I don't remember the name of the philosopher, or the scientist, or the books, but I do remember reading something interesting in the review.

One of the authors wrote that part of the great thing about love, is the fear that it could end. That to acknowledge the risk and the vulnerability that comes along with falling in love is crucial to the experience being as wonderful as it is.

I thought that this was a refreshingly positive way to look at fear. In love, sure, but also in almost every other aspect of life.

The fear that it might end is most certainly present in romantic relationships, but it can extend to friendships, and family, and colleagues. No relationship is certain. But the fear of it ending is motivation to keep working at them. To call, and write, and make plans, and time, and have hard conversations, and forgive and forget, and to grow close to people.

The fear that it might end is the reason we show up for work everyday at Thread.  That the opportunity to do something we love and believe in could end, makes us fight and work to make sure we can keep doing it.

The fear that my health, both mental and physical might end is what keeps me running. It keeps me motivated to sign up for races and train for months to finish marathons, and take care of myself.

I think that embracing the fear of the end could be really powerful.

Eventually, it will all end. And if that's not motivation to give something back to the world, and enjoy yourself while doing it, I don't know what is.

Some Things I Don't Understand

Despite having access to pretty much any answer I want (thanks internet!), higher education, and a little life experience, there are some things I still just do not understand.  In no particular order, this includes:

1) Why so many women talk on the phone while in the bathroom.

At my former job, it was a daily occurrence to go into the women's restroom at work, and hear someone in a stall chatting away without a care in the world. Like, in the stall. While they went to the bathroom. I don’t understand this. Surely your job is not so overwhelmingly demanding that a bathroom break is the only time you have to talk on the phone. If it is, I would suggest perhaps looking for a new job.  This just seems icky.

2) Why you can’t divide by zero.

I hate this rule. Almost as much as I hate probability.  Dividing by zero should equal zero. Just like multiplying.  This rule seems completely arbitrary and made up (not unlike most of math).

3) The directions "Continue On"

I want to be told go right, straight, turn left, or something actually directional. I don’t understand what “continue on” means.  If the street I'm on turns into another street, can't you just say that?  Continue on is vague and a little condescending.

4)  How there are people who don't drink coffee in the morning.

 I can actually sort of understand the preachy, vegan, "my body is a temple and I don't ingest chemicals, stimulants, or anything else fun," folks who don't drink coffee.  But, for the rest of you, "I don't really like it, I'll just have some tea, thanks," people I have a question. How do you start seeing straight in the morning? Seriously. How? And please don't tell me I am addicted or have a dependency. I do. I know this. But I at least have a coping mechanism for the morning. If you don't have coffee to look forward to - what is your motivation for getting out of bed before 10:30??

5)  When someone emails me, asking me to call them

I mean, if you want to talk to me on the phone, call me, and if I don’t answer, leave a message and I’ll call you back. Or email me, and I’ll email you back. Personally, I am of the school of thought that you respond to correspondence in the same medium that it was initiated. Texts beget texts, phone calls beget phone calls, and if you're talking to someone to their face, here's hoping they respond in person. Communication is so weird today.

Appreciating This Moment

It's really easy to live in the future. To push through your present because it's just a means to an end. Just one step on your way to accomplishing a goal, or to getting the life you want. And while I will never say that it's bad to have goals or ambitions, or to want to do epic shit, it is important to appreciate your present while you're in the midst of making those things happen.

Especially when working for a start-up, you are future-focused all of the time.  Constantly strategizing, and pivoting, and turning your little company into the big dream that seduced you all to sign up for this in the first place.

These last couple months have been trying, and tiring, and part of what motivates and pushes me through is the belief that we are working toward a future that will be awesome.  But, the present is pretty awesome already. And I want to take a moment to remember that.

I spent this past weekend visiting some dear friends in Washington, D.C. I went down on Thursday, and on Friday, I had the opportunity to work out of a co-working space in D.C. because a friend of mine's company works out of the space.  It was similar to The Beauty Shoppe in Pittsburgh (where Thread works) in that there was a lot of natural light and Ikea furniture, but there were also a lot more people.  I was sharing a desk, sitting across from my friend Anne, and trying to be respectful of the room full of people furiously typing away on their Macbooks by talking quietly, etc.

At one point in the afternoon, all 5 of us at Thread were on line, and entered in a group chat discussing that month's newsletter and other last minute Friday afternoon orders of business. Even though we were all scattered and communicating electronically, we know each other well enough, that we can totally pick up on people's sarcasm, personality, and inflection even in typed communications.  So, the thing is,  I work with very smart and very funny people. I have said several times, that one of my favorite things about working for Thread is that it feels at times like we're on an Aaron Sorkin show, what with quick rapid fire dialogue, lots of references, and plenty of wit.

Anyway, the point is that even though we're discussing work stuff, my teammates are being hilarious. To the point where I start giggling out loud. And like you do in most situations where you're not supposed to be laughing or making too much noise (libraries, church, classical music concerts) and something strikes you as funny, you try really hard not to laugh, which inevitably makes you laugh even harder.  I tried to keep it together, but kept snorting into my keyboard, when finally my friend Anne couldn't feign polite ignorance anymore and stared at me eyebrows raised.

"I'm sorry," I said. "My teammates are just hysterical."

"You are having wayyy too much fun for a Friday afternoon," she answered.

And I was. I was having a ton of fun. And I just want to be cognizant and appreciative of that. Because life is stressful. And I could keep racing through right now, so that I can get to a place where I'm not broke, and less stressed, and more secure, and more grown up. While I hope that all of those things happen, I also want to be grateful for the fact that I'm in a place in life, where I can travel to other cities to spend time with people I care about, while working for a job that challenges and entertains me.

I want to appreciate that while I might be working toward a better future, a present filled with laughter at work on a Friday afternoon is not such a bad place to be.

Water Balloon Fights, Promotions, and Aging Gracefully

Thread has a sister organization, called Team Tassy, a foundation that accompanies families out of poverty in Haiti, helping them to become self sufficient, and breaking the vicious cycle that poverty perpetuates.  Thread's founder and CEO, also founded Team Tassy.

And while we are two separate organizations, with different legal structures, and different staffs, we tend to be all up in each other's business 1) because we like each other and 2) because our work collaborates and runs into one another frequently.

So, months ago, when I first learned that Team Tassy would be throwing a giant water balloon fight as their annual fundraiser this summer, because they believe that giving should be a joy, and what is more joyful than spending a Saturday in July at a park in downtown Pittsburgh throwing water balloons to fight global poverty with 3,000 of your closest friends? I said I'd be happy to help out in any way I could.

On Tuesday when I found out I had been promoted to "Trash Captain" (I can't make this stuff up) AND would be overseeing the fight security, I realized I had a lot of work to do.  I asked if I could bring my bow and arrows as part of the security strategy, which I might still do, and wrangled up some trash bins and dumpsters and recycling receptacles, and made some humorous signs to motivate people to recycle/promote Thread, and as these things somehow always do, everything has come together, and tomorrow should will be great.  Did I ever think there would be a time in my life I'd be able to throw together a waste management plan for an event of 3,000 people in a morning? No. But then again, most aspects of my life right now would have been unimaginable until a year ago, and I've never had more fun.

Last night, while we were filling water balloons, which for the record I could do now in my sleep, I mentioned that I was planning to wear a purple sequined baseball hat at the fight*. Because, I explained to my bemused volunteering friends:

1) I will be in the sun all day tomorrow and there isn't enough SPF in the world to last all day, and I won't have time to run around re-applying sunblock every hour anyway.

AND

2) At these kinds of events you are often looking for people/people are looking for you, and more times than not they've never met you, so this way, someone can say "Go find Kelsey, she's wearing a purple sequined baseball hat." and there will be no confusion over who I am because I seriously doubt anyone else will also be sporting a purple sequined baseball hat.

I finished this explanation, and Ian looked at me, shook his head and said, "you are going to make a fantastic old lady someday."

Which, yea, I took as a compliment. And also? It's true. I will.

So, if you are in Pittsburgh tomorrow, swing by Point State Park, hang out with some awesome people, sling some balloons, admire my hat, and help out an organization that is truly shifting the needle for some really great families.

*Regina, I know you'll totally appreciate the importance of discussing what a "water-balloon-fight-cute-outfit" would consist of, while prepping for the event.

The New Normal

It sometimes seems impossible to me that I have lived in Pittsburgh for what will be 7 years (7!) in the fall.  I think that largely this has to do with the fact that I have moved, and re-defined life here so many times, that even though, yes, I have lived here for the past several years, I have also had what feels like approximately 4 different lifetimes here in that period.

When change comes all at once, it's distracting in its own right, and it's not until the dust starts to settle that you realize just how drastically different your life has become.

Since April I have started a new job, moved, said goodbye to my best friend who I have never not lived in the same city as, spent significant time traveling and surrounded by strangers, and have come face to face with some rather substantial self-realizations.

And for a while, this was all happening, so I didn't really have the time to process it.  I mean, I was starting the new job, and then I was in Boston, and then I was moving, and then I was going to Haiti for 2 weeks, and I was saying goodbye and hello, and so constantly on the move, that I had no choice but to embrace all of the change and craziness, and keep going.

This past week though, has been quiet in comparison.  And while there is still plenty of excitement, I have been in Pittsburgh for a whole 7 days, with no immediate extensive travel plans in the immediate future, and have settled back into a "normal" life, except that it's a brand new normal.

I have started to unpack, and even though it took me about a month finally re-assembled my bed, and am turning my new room into a place that looks like someplace a person would live, and not just a storage unit.

I've done mundane every day life stuff. I've cooked myself dinner, and have gone for runs, and am beginning to remember what spending alone time feels like, because after close to 3 weeks in close succession of what can be compared to summer camp and never having a moment alone, not being around people 24/7 is both wonderful and a bit jarring.

I'm beginning to accept the fact that a lot of my very best friends in the world don't live down the street from me anymore, and that I need to call them and catch up because even though we'll visit each other soon, we need to talk before then.

I am very happy. I am very grateful.  I am very much looking forward to this next stage of my life here in Pittsburgh. Even the banal parts.

Thread's First Birthday. Or, What Start-up Life is Like. And How to Survive it.

There's a certain glamour that surrounds the start-up world.  Founding a company seems to be an increasingly popular goal, especially amongst my generation. Perhaps because our sense of entitlement pushes us to be our own boss, or perhaps because there aren't many other job options, so we might as well start a business while enjoying unemployment.  There's a lot said about start-ups, and a lot that is left unsaid.  As Thread celebrates its first anniversary of incorporation, here are some things that have I have learned along the way.

It's Terrific.

The first thing I can say about making the jump from a stable job, into working for a company you're helping to start, is that it is the best.  It really is.  A lot of the cliche stuff actually happens; late night white board sessions with pizza, beers in the conference room, coming in when you want, wearing what you want, and sharing an office space with awesome people.  That being said...

Get Ready to Feel the Entire Spectrum of Human Emotion on a Daily Basis.

I have spent the majority of the past couple months vacillating between extreme excitement, and abject terror.  Your highs are massive, your lows are crushing, and you still have to deal with everything in between.  At my former job, putting out fires meant dealing with easily fixed problems like; filling in for speakers who ran late, meeting recruitment goals, and making sure all of my sponsors received all the sponsorship benefits I told them they'd receive.  Things that yea, could be stressful, but wouldn't cause the organization to have to close its doors or anything.

Not so in a start-up.  In a start-up, putting out fires, often actually means coming up with ways to keep the lights on for another month.  You usually only have enough of a budget to get one shot to complete a project, so you can't mess up. Add on the pressure of a social venture, where you know first hand the positive impact you can have on lives, and what's at stake if you fail, and you are dealing with real true stress.

The best advice I can give is to take care of yourself.  It's really tempting to stress-eat junk, live off of take out, give up exercise to drink wine, and forgo sleep for a few more hours of work,  but that kind of unbalance will make you a fat nervous wreck.

Find your sweat-thing - for me its running, and make it a non-negotiable part of your schedule. Push yourself physically, to give yourself a break mentally, and to ensure that you are regularly flooding your body with enough dopamine and serotonin to combat the cortisol that is building up in your system.  Have a network who you can call and say, "I'm freaking out! And I need you to talk me off the ledge!" Drink water.  Go to sleep.  Eat some real foods, that you cook yourself.  This often saves you money too, which is good, because unless you are independently wealthy...

Get Ready to Live Like a Student Again

Boot strapping means learning to live on a serious budget, or with no income at all while you ramp up revenue and investments. You will have to stop buying clothes, cut back on going/eating out, pause your philanthropic giving, and take a break from contributing to a retirement fund.  You may also have to move, drain your savings, borrow money from your parents, and pick up part time work.

All of that sounds like a lot, and it is.  However its a sacrifice that seems totally worth it when you really believe in your colleagues and the idea you're all working towards.

Get Ready to Bond

One of my fellow Threadheads has a mentor who, when first learning of this project warned her that, "Starting a business is like entering into a group marriage."  Disclaimer: I'm not married.  But, I don't think that statement is too far off.  We are in contact every day.  Our group dynamic and relationship is unlike anything else I have ever been a part of.  We are coworkers, but we have become family.  We have hard conversations about money, and values, and what we want our future to look like. We have been through accidents, births, cancer, break ups, and the fear of not knowing how we're going to pay next month's rent together.  We celebrate, we argue, we tease, we cry, and we laugh a lot.  We have very few secrets.

I imagine that entrepreneurship can be very isolating and lonely at times for those who do it alone, and I cannot fathom having this experience without the support of my team.

It's not always good.  Neither is marriage from what I hear.  And I would be lying if I didn't say that there haven't been scary moments where I'm sitting in a meeting and have thought "What am I doing here?" And for a brief second I think about walking out and running away and starting over.  But you don't, and within hours you're reminded of why you love and trust these people and what you're all doing here in the first place.

The other Threadheads are the kind of people I would consider myself lucky to even know.  To have the honor of working with them to create a company, and to be inspired by them on a daily basis is just awesome.

Get Ready to Work All the Time

Yes, you take time off, and you have fun.  You need to - or else you will become boring, and lose your mind, and then you're no good to anyone, least of all your teammates who are depending on you.  What I mean is that work is no longer this thing you need to escape from.  It's something you want to do, and so you do it constantly.

I have happily spent vacation time reading through case studies, and checking my email.  I problem solve and brainstorm while working out.  I talk about trash at parties, and sometimes state composting statistics on dates. I get weirdly excited about subject matter I never thought I would have an interest in.  I can't wait to get asked the question "So, what do you do?"

When you love your work, when you find it fascinating, it infiltrates itself into all the aspects of your life.

One Year Down

I can't believe I'm part of a company that is a year old! A year is a milestone, and this year has flown. We are still so young, and have so much to do, and I can't wait to celebrate this anniversary for years to come.

I can't say thank you enough to everyone who has and continues to support us, invest in us, teach us, mentor us, advise us, challenge us, and believe in us enough to do so.

Mesi Anpil.

Nan Ayiti

The key to travel, especially when it’s for work, or for a longer period of time, is to establish routine.  Routine is actually supposed to play a large role in happiness in general, but is not something I pay much attention to during my day to day in Pittsburgh.

Anyways, these first couple days at Cange have been largely about finding a working groove; in a hectic, unpredictable, environment that operates on a different schedule, and language, and culture than anything I’ve had much experience working in before.  I have been overwhelmed, and discouraged, and have experienced both emotions while running on low blood sugar, making me question what about working in garbage was appealing to me. Only to be reminded a couple hours later, after a full meal, when talking with the hospital staff about what we’re trying to accomplish and I see other people get excited about trash too. Then I remember how cool this work can actually be.

Working in Haiti is all about living in the woosh. Constantly.

But, back to routine. So the thing that is fun about routine while traveling is that you do something relatively normal, but in a completely foreign context, which makes it fascinating.

Par example:

-         Ian and I went for a run the first night we came to Cange.  Cange is on the side of a mountain. There was recently an awesome water project put in place providing the village with clean drinking water, pumped up from a lake at the bottom of the mountain. In order to complete the construction for this project, roughly 700+ steep steps were built along the side of the mountain.  We decided to run these steps.  Then, not only are we running up and down steps, amidst breathtaking views, but you find yourself saying things that never get said on a Pittsburgh run, like:

“"Watch out for the goat straight ahead.” Or,

o   “Oh, there’s a snake.”

o   “And that would be a poisonous snake.”

o   “Well, then, I won’t step on it.”

Exercise is taken to a whole new level here.

-       Meals. We eat twice a day. Early morning, and late afternoon, and you would think you’d be starving for dinner, but you’re so hungry for lunch that you eat a ton, and you’re actually fine.  You also sit down at a table to eat. With lots of other interesting people. Who you like have a conversation with and stuff.  Too many of my lunches consist of snacks eaten at my desk.

-       And of course, even though we’re working “in the field” so to speak, there’s still computer time.  Data that needs to be entered, emails that need to get written, notes that need to be organized. However, when your office comes with this view…

It’s not that bad.

In the thick of things, and still loving my job.  That’s a good feeling to have.