The Fear That it Might End

I read a blurb of a book review on two novels about love written by a French philosopher and a scientist, in the back of an old copy of The Economist of all places.  I don't remember the name of the philosopher, or the scientist, or the books, but I do remember reading something interesting in the review.

One of the authors wrote that part of the great thing about love, is the fear that it could end. That to acknowledge the risk and the vulnerability that comes along with falling in love is crucial to the experience being as wonderful as it is.

I thought that this was a refreshingly positive way to look at fear. In love, sure, but also in almost every other aspect of life.

The fear that it might end is most certainly present in romantic relationships, but it can extend to friendships, and family, and colleagues. No relationship is certain. But the fear of it ending is motivation to keep working at them. To call, and write, and make plans, and time, and have hard conversations, and forgive and forget, and to grow close to people.

The fear that it might end is the reason we show up for work everyday at Thread.  That the opportunity to do something we love and believe in could end, makes us fight and work to make sure we can keep doing it.

The fear that my health, both mental and physical might end is what keeps me running. It keeps me motivated to sign up for races and train for months to finish marathons, and take care of myself.

I think that embracing the fear of the end could be really powerful.

Eventually, it will all end. And if that's not motivation to give something back to the world, and enjoy yourself while doing it, I don't know what is.

Type A's Don't Settle

The latest show I've been netflixing is Big Love. As such I've been thinking about marriage more than usual. Then last night, I read an article by Lori Gottlieb about her new book "Marry Him" and her whole case for why women should stop expecting to fall in love and just settle for a guy who will marry them.

Ugh.

I know that this is nothing new, and that her mantra has been heard before, but I still resent hearing that at 40, as a woman, my career, education, and even falling in love won't matter to me as much as just being married. I also realize that I have a good 13 years ahead of me before I have to start worrying about the condition of my eggs, so having a child, and consequently meeting the father of my children, is about the thing furthest from my mind at this point.

Here's the thing. I want to fall in love, and get married, and have babies. Someday. But, the first part of that statement is to fall in love. I realize that the fireworks stop and dopamine levels drop off and relationships morph into a comfortable partnership that is married life. However, after 15 years, when I hate how he sings in the shower, and he can't stand my chewing pens, and we fight about money, and vacations, and how to raise our children, I'm going to need to be able to remember back to a time when we were crazy about each other.

Lori claims that at forty, you just want a teammate, someone to share the household responsibilities with etc. Well I say, if at 40 I'm still single, I'll hire a house manager. Or get a roommate. She also cites Will and Grace as being "the most romantic couple I can think of". Well I'm in a real life Will and Grace relationship, so I guess we already win.

I'm not going to settle. I'm going to hold out for someone who renders me unable to think straight after kissing, and someone who I'll want my friends and family to care for, someone who I'll be crazy enough about to say yea, I want my life to be your life, and vice versa.

And if that means I run the risk of still dating at 40? So be it.